Where do you get trust from now?

by RKeeler
(Edinburgh)

We went to Amsterdam for his birthday. We went to this restaurant on a Friday and were drinking with the food, and he starts acting strangely. I stopped drinking, but instead of slowing down, he drank the rest of my wine, then drink after drink. I went to the bathroom, came back and he was waiting at the stairs staring at me like a psychopath. The waiter said goodbye, and my ex turned around and hissed "why were you flirting with him"... His comment made me lost for words. This behavior continued on our walk back to the hotel, shouting at me whenever we passed anyone that I was a slut and to stop looking at people. I walked ahead, and all of a sudden I just felt this blow to the back of my kidney. Pain radiated throughout my back, and I turned around dazed and confused. I had yelped out in pain, so people on the street were looking as I was bent over like wtf. He took me into his arms and squeezed me tightly and started saying sorry I didn't mean to do that.

We walked about 5 minutes back to the hotel, and I was thinking, right I need to go into the room, get my passport, phone, and purse. I hadn't taken anything out with me because I didn't have pockets, and my ex said he would look after them for me... but I didn't know where they were in the room. It makes sense now, as he is a control freak and psychopath, as, upon reflection, he was always taking my stuff to "look after for me"...

We are walking up the stairs and feel another blow to the back of my kidneys, and he was twisting his hand in my ribs. I don't understand to this day what he was doing, but he did it with such force I felt my rib pop and dislocate. I was wriggling in pain on the stairs, sat down, crying, confused. He was standing over me trying to get me to go into the room with him, but I kept saying "I can't go in there with you, I'm scared what you will do." We sat on the stairs for about half an hour until I saw this look in his eyes change, he turned kind and into himself again, so I agreed to go into the room with him.

In the room, he pushed me onto the bed, hands around my neck, and his eyes glazed over. It wasn't like anger; it was more like psychopath/torture look in his eyes. I managed to calm him down, and he got off me, but any time I would try to move, he would freak out and pin me down again, and start wrapping his hands around my neck. If I budged, he would squeeze. Then things get blurry. When I came to, I was on the floor, and he was standing over me. I tried to get up, but he kept hitting me back down. His actions were so degrading of my self-esteem.

Hours went by until I thought I had calmed him down enough to ask to go to the toilet... I walked past him, and over to the door, I tried to go for the main entrance to escape, but he was right there. He grabbed my head and started smashing it into the wall repeatedly. Again, I felt dizzy and blank out.

I thought I was going to die; I thought that was it... legit, saw my life flashing before my eyes. I had fought so much to try and get him off me, my muscles were burning and my hands hurt so much. The struggling went on, and eventually, he moved me so that he had me against a different wall. I started banging on the wall as hard as I could praying someone was in the room and would hear me.

I was laying on the floor, and we heard a knocking at the door. There had been a noise complaint by another guest. The hotel worker was shouting through the door that if we didn't open it, she would call the police. He pulled me up, put me on the bed, and opened the door. At that moment, I remember being so relieved. The hotel workers stayed in the room and helped me pack my stuff. They kept asking to call the police, but I just wanted it to be over, I had no more fight left in me. My ex still had my passport, and I realized I couldn't go without it. The hotel worker said he would stay with me until he knew I was safe and took me to another room as it was around 4 a.m. by this point.

About two hours later, my ex called my phone and asked if we could talk. It had been about 8 hours since my abuser's last drink, and I agreed to come to his room. I am not sure why. I asked the hotel man to check on the room for any noises, and he said to just dial 9 for help, or if he heard anything, he would call the police.

It turns out he has a history of doing these violent acts and has two counts of GBH against him. He said that one more and he would go to prison. At this moment, I felt sorry for him. I was so tired, and bruised, and confused. He kept reiterating that we were so lucky to have met each other and have so much to look forward.

I asked him to sleep on the floor, while I was on the mattress, and we fell asleep... we rested for about 12 hours. when I woke up, he was on the bed spooning me, pressing his d*** into my back and kissing my neck. I just froze. I kept saying "I hurt everywhere, I don't want to," but he wasn't listening. I was so scared and had no fight left in me. He held me down, and I lay face down and cried until it was over.

I lazed in the bed for the next two days, and whenever he wanted to have sex, I just lay there. Everything hurt so much, and I asked him to stop, but he just did it anyway. I remember him finishing one time, he was so aggressive, trying to hurt me, like he was trying to rip a hole in me. I couldn't walk afterward. On the plane, I remember bursting into tears. Everyone probably thought I was mad.

We got back to London, and all I kept thinking about was the fact that all my stuff was at his house and I needed it. I was stressing about work, and what was I going to do. There was no way I could return to action on Tuesday morning with bruises everywhere. I was trying to keep it together so much I just kind of, switched my mind off. I was numb. We got to his house, and he asked if I was going to tell work about what happened and kept guilt tripping me about how it would ruin his life if I said anything. I kept thinking; I can't ruin his life over this one incident. I'm such an idiot for not thinking about myself.

I started packing some of my clothes, and he got frantic, and freaking out saying "is this it?! You're going to throw away our love because of one time". I could tell he was getting angry and knew what he was capable. I was afraid, and every time I tried to leave the room, he would stand in the way. I felt so pathetic and weak. He pushed me onto the bed, and I attempted to force him away, asking him to stop, but he did it anyway. He bent me over and was thrusting so hard I was crying. When he finished, I got my bag and ran out without any of my stuff.

I called my friend, and she knew something was up. She picked me up from the station, and we just cried in her car. She asked me to go to the police but, who would believe me. He was rich and could afford a good lawyer, and I had no strength left.

I never went to work again. My workmates probably think I'm a loon - I go away for the weekend and never come back. I lost my boyfriend, where I was living, my dignity, my self-respect, my ability to trust, my job, my references for the future, and most of all; I lost a bit of me. I hope that I can get the bit of me back which I lost.