What if I do miss him?

by Max J
(PA)

So what if I do miss him? What if I sometimes imagine if we were still together? How sickening is that?

So what if he locked me up in the car because I didn't tell him I was going out with my friends, because god forbid I go out anywhere without him? So what if I once broke my hand punching him back because he wouldn't stop screaming and yelling, and he wouldn't let me leave him? So what if he made me cry on our engagement eve because my cousin had his arm around me during out photo shoot? Does it really matter that his mother kept insulting my mum during family dinners because she never approved me? Does it matter that his folks kept criticizing me, the way I talk, the way I dress, the way I laugh?

Was it a deal breaker when he forced me into having sex with him when I couldn't even stand looking him in the eye? Or is it a deal breaker when he became obsessively jealous whenever I talked to a friend or even hinted that I wanted to attend a friend's birthday party?

Maybe I have missed the good times we had together despite the fact that they were ALWAYS followed with tears?


He was the first man I ever loved with I was 15, the only man I have ever slept with, been with, got engaged to. As a gay woman, a golden lesbian, falling in love with a man it was already difficult. He never made it easy for me. Every woman is a suspect. Every woman is a potential affair. Everyone is a danger to our relationship, so he locked me in.

Wasn't it normal that he laid hands on me a couple times? That he kept screaming at me and fighting me over the silliest things? Wasn't it normal that every time we were together I ended up crying, he apologizes till the sun comes up and I take him back?

I lay in bed and think to myself of all the possibilities, all the fictional scenarios that would have happened hadn't my parents "saved" me from him and did their best to end the engagement.

I hated them for it at first. Then I looked at myself in the mirror; I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I wasn't myself with him. He ordered me to grow my hair, dress more feminine, act more feminine, hold a purse instead of a wallet, lie about who I am, ditch all of my friends.

I lost my best friend because of him. Two of my best friends. No, three of my closest friends I've known for ten years.

I lost who I was as a woman. As a person. As a human being.

Who was I? What was I?


He always said he wouldn't survive if I left him, but last I heard he was very well alive. I was left damaged.

I fell for a man. Why couldn't he have been a good guy? Why did I lie about our sex life and said I enjoyed it?

I hated it. I hated every second of it.


But I miss him sometimes.

I read it was normal. I didn't realize that it was an abusive relationship till a year later after it ended. I thought it was normal. I thought I was the problem, I didn't love him enough or didn't give him enough. I blamed my parents and society for our damaged relationship. I didn't know. I couldn't have known.


I remember once during sex he tied me up and wanted to dust his cigarette in my mouth, I scream and said I don't want to do that. He was upset. Burns scare me. He was very upset I disobeyed him so I apologized. I believe it was my fault that I didn't agree to what he orders.

He was upset when I refused to sleep with him once because he said its never spontaneous for us and that I am not putting much effort into our sex life so I agreed and I cried so much during sex because everything hurts.


Why did I do this to myself? I am stronger than this, I am better than this, I am smarter than this.

For a woman who has an IQ of 142 I was very stupid. He made sure I knew I was very stupid and that he is much smarter than me at all times. I was too fat. Too butch. Too loud. Too independent.

I was myself, but I wasn't good enough so I had to change who I am to please him.


Why did I do this to myself?
Why do I miss him sometimes?
I shouldn't.


It's been two years now and I still feel like I am unworthy, undeserving, incomplete.


I still cannot recognize myself in the mirror sometimes.

I still hate myself.

I still hate/love him.

Comments for What if I do miss him?

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You are worthy
by: Anonymous

Verbal abuse can destroy us. As you've said, those harsh words of criticism, how you weren't good enough, how you weren't this or that, were on purpose to diminish you to the lowest form. It's exactly what he wanted. The problem is when we're told so often, so repeatedly that we're not good enough in many ways, we begin to believe it ourselves. Specifically, because we feel shamed and incapable to convince and keep this guy, to make him believe that we were good people and beautiful too, and good at many things. Shame... that's a terrible word. Please don't be ashamed of anything about yourself. The real you is very much alive and inside you. Let her come out and begin enjoying her and allowing her to flourish for who she REALLY is. If he is long and gone, then it's okay for you to now be YOU. You're in there... let you come out. He's not with you anymore, so don't let his past words affect you still now. You are strong and very valuable. If you don't believe this, then begin believing it. It's rough and tough coming out of that deep, dark hole of self-doubt and perhaps even blame. But you can do it. You can do ANYTHING, just please believe it. Nothing you could've have done would have made him love you, desire you, and RESPECT you. The guy is obviously a troubled man, who finds easier to destroy a wonderful person like you instead of dealing with his own crap to make himself a better person. Guys like that are a waste and never improve. Instead they walk through life making women feel inferior. Remember, he is gone. Seek counseling, if you can afford it. If not, then at least begin with attending sessions of Domestic Violence support groups. It really helps to talk things out with people who have experienced similar things. It helps validate your many fears, concerns, etc., and helps you feel like you're not going crazy. The reason you might miss him still today is because there were probably some good moments you two shared, even if infrequent. As a survivor myself, a year later I was still feeling compassion for my abuser and still missing him. I realized I missed the times when he was in a good mood and we'd go camping, hiking, exploring a new town, etc. Those were our best moments. What I'm saying is, when we have some good memories of the relationship, it's like we kling on to those memories and completely obscure the reality of their abuse. We put on blinders because we have that hope that each incident of abuse will be the last time, even if it's only verbal abuse. It's that darn hope that keeps us hanging by a thread. It's also that same hope that even if we're broken up, causes us to believe that we could've been different, done better, been a more loving woman, etc. The truth is, nothing we could ever do would ever be enough for these abusive assholes. At some point you will reach the believe that you are worthy and you are enough and you are loveable and there's nothing, nothing at all wrong with you. It's a mind fuck being in an abusive relationship and it takes a long time to process and come to terms with what happened to us. But I promise you that the pain will eventually turn into lessons. Not lessons that we hate ourselves for, but lessons that we know will make us a better person. And what I mean is that we weren't bad people to begin with... What I mean is, we know better now, we'll know how to better take care of ourselves and stay away from guys like that (and women too, for that matter). Use the experience as a learning platform. Once you begin to see the different things you learned and the type of great person you are, you'll be able to make better choices in your future. It really is a beautiful thing when you reach this point. I promise it is. :)
You strong
by: Anonymous

You are a person that has been through so much, and I just wanted to let you know that you are worthy of love, you are beautiful your body is beautiful, you are strong and you will get through this. An abusive relationship often leaves you damaged and blaming yourself, it is not your fault. your story changed my point of view and has encouraged me to tell my own even though we have experienced two completely different things. After reading this I finally have the courage to speak up.. thank you for sharing

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