Violence and Other Sadness

by Danger
(Carlisle)

I was out with 😭 for a year and seven months. I left my partner eight months ago to start again. I have had a boyfriend (🌎) for nearly six months now.

I'm going to talk about 😭 because I don't understand why I can't just get over everything he did. I still have to see him every day, and it upsets me so much.

😭 still tries to get to me to this day. Three weeks ago he was walking around outside 🌎's house high as a kite with a group of lads threatening to smash his windows in. This event was at night while his 4-year-old sister was sleeping. Then the next week 😭 rang me drunk saying he loves me and misses me and if I don't get back with him he's going to kill himself. 🌎 told me everything would be okay and to just ignore 😭. Throughout the relationship 😭 would call me an embarrassment, shout at me, hit me, have sex with me, finish me then come back to me with presents.

😭 needed to know all the passwords for my social media accounts so he could go through my messages and monitor everything I did. I wasn't allowed to talk to my friends but 😭 could speak to whoever he wanted to. 😭 text a girl with hearts n told her he loved her, which broke my heart, and when I mentioned it, he said I was pathetic, too jealous and clingy. He left me because some other girl liked him then when she decided she wasn't that bothered he came begging to get me back.

I was so scared of 😭, and I still am. He made me hide the relationship from everyone so I couldn't embarrass him.

He only wanted me when he wanted sex. One day 😭 asked me to suck him off. I said no. He kept asking me over and over again. Then he changed the question and asked if I'd toss him off and I said okay fine. He stood up and started to get his thing out. He looked at me and began to play with my hair. 😭 said my name. I began to reply but while my mouth was open he took advantage, grabbed my hair and forced me to suck him off. I was completely devastated. I started to get panicky and upset. I pushed him away. 😭 Got very annoyed at me and punched me in the arm. At this point, I had no idea what to do. 😭 then started asking me for anal and I just said no not here and not now. We were out in a public place this entire time. Next to a river to be exact. 😭 said, "Nah it'll be fine no will see, and no one will have to know you did this for me." I tried to tell him no, but he wasn't taking no for an answer. 😭 Grabbed me by my waist bent me over, took off my clothes and my underwear and just did anal with me. I'm crying writing this. He hurt me so much. No one even knows he did this. I'm so scared no one will believe me. I have a picture where you can see the bruises on my arm and my waist.

Another day I went out with him, and he walked up to me with a weird look in his eyes. 😭 held my hand and walked til we got to a wall and he started to kiss me and said we should go back to his. I said no. 😭 started to get mad that I didn't want to go to his house. We both started to shout at each other just genuinely arguing. 😭 pulls out a knife. I didn't know what to do. I've never been so scared at any time. I just dropped to the floor and started to cry, I was too afraid to argue. 😭 picked me up and began to apologise to me. He decided against going to his house. 😭 wanted to finger me and I was so scared still that I just said ok and let him. I didn't want to die.

😭 would blank me for two weeks at a time and argue with me every night he wasn't blanking me. As well as arguing, 😭 would demand to see photos of me naked. They got sent around while I was still with him, I was so humiliated, but I forgave him because I was frightened of what he would do. 😭 would also FaceTime me when he got horny and tell me to strip for him on camera because it was the least I could do to help him out apparently. Jay would get his thing out and tell me about how he was going to fuck me in every hole possible. 😭 pressured me into fingering myself on FaceTime to him. I didn't like it. I felt so dirty and ashamed. After he ended FaceTime, I would sit and cry to myself.

There was one time when 😒 encouraged 😭's behaviour by letting us into her house with another boy and another girl. 😒 told us we could go upstairs to have sex if we wanted to. 😭 loved this idea. I was like no this is not happening. I sat downstairs on the sofa n 😭 just came and sat right next to me and began to get with me. 😭 then said "let's go upstairs" and I just said no. Looking at 😒 praying she'd put an end to this. Alex didn't really care yet. 😭 pulled me up out of my seat pulling on my arm. 😭 tried to push me out the room to the hallway. When we got to the hallway, he grabbed my arm really tight. I just said "ow, your hurting me, please stop". 😒 then stopped it and told us both we had to leave. 😭 was completely pissed off, he started walking down the street kicking and punching things and told me he shouldn't have even brought me because he would've had a good time without me. 😭 grabbed me but punched the fence behind, he then told me he's leaving and I can walk by myself. I walked home in tears.

When 😭 found out me and 🌎 were together, he punched him in the face. I immediately started to cry because it was all my fault. 🌎 was doing just fine without me. It was my fault he got hurt.

😭 has done so many more things. For example, bringing up the fact I was nearly raped in a petty argument to make me cry. Nobody knows a lot of this. I need to tell the 🌎 but I don't feel like it matters. I just needed to say all this to keep calm in my mind.