Stuck! I feel helpless, hopeless and have no self esteem left

by Laura
(PA)

I have been with my boyfriend for five years now. From the beginning, I should have just left because these problems have been going on since then and just get worse. My boyfriend and I are two different races so, in his eyes, there are already problems.

I had just got out of one bad relationship and got right into another bad one. Till this day I don't know if it's because I felt lonely and had no standards or what.

This boyfriend of mine when we first met, he would do and say really out of the ordinary things, things that weren't just the "standard argument" whatever that is, I don't even know anymore.

I remember the first incident that was so ridiculous. My boyfriend jumped on my back, and he tackled me to the floor all so he could take my cigarettes off of me because he wanted them. I know you're saying this is frivolous because it is. As time went on, he would always put me down, ESPECIALLY when an argument arose. My boyfriend would say things to me like "your butt isn't big enough" or "your stomach looks like sh**." Just recently he said "you're not attractive at all" and "you have no friends." "Your dad doesn't even call you because he doesn't even like you!" By the way, I have two kids; one is his (the youngest one), (the oldest) one is not.

Besides the emotional abuse he put me through for five long years, which why today I have NO SELF ESTEEM AT ALL, there has been plenty of physical violence. He has broken my car windshield, my car's emergency brake, my front door window to my house two times, a bookshelf, has ripped my purse, broken nicknacks on the bookshelf and worst of all my arm. All of the things he broke has been on different occasions.

Also, there have been several instances of him sending "dirty text messages" to other females. One in particular on the day of my birthday, he sent a text msg to a girl saying he wanted to do sexual things with her, another incident where he told a different girl, " it's been a long time coming between you and me."

This history makes me sick to think of everything this man has done to ruin me and put me down in a hole. I'm worried about my kids because they are always in the mist of this and it is not healthy for anyone. I feel worthless, helpless, hopeless and have the worst anxiety because of him.

He's lied to me plenty of times, and I feel as though he treats me like some guy off the street. There is NO RESPECT OR TRUST anymore. And I will always have just one question for myself, WHY DID I PUT UP WITH THIS FOR SO LONG?

I need some help because I cant take being treated like a dog anymore. Several times the police became involved, and we finally have a NO CONTACT ORDER, but he refuses to leave. I don't know how someone can do this to a human??? :(