still here

by jo
(small country )

I am still here and very sad, but still alive. Yes I'm in a violent relationsip right now, and I'm stuck in a different country living with HIM. I want to stay, but not with him! The woman's aid is outside my front!

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend now for 5 years. From the start it was good then slowly got worse, mostly when he's drinking, but he also mentally abuses me on a daily basis.
He picks and picks at my head every day in some way, and it's only in the last year I've noticed how I've changed, from being a bubbly, always having a laugh, seeing my friends for nights out,
to being alone with no friends.

I don't go out now or drink alcohol ,very rarely now do I drink, I know I need help, but how do I when I live in a very small country.

I don't have any family as they have all died. Lost 7 members of my family in 2 yrs. I only have a little sister, and she can't help me because she has had a lot deal with in her short life.

It happens to me nearly every week now. I'm so depressed, confused and angry at myself for not leaving him. It's just going to get worse, and I've thought about killing HIM, I'm so scared.

I just want a quiet normal life where I can go for lovely walks. I will find the courage to leave.... I will ... I will one day.