Just Keep Asking Myself

by Maureen P
(New York)

I JUST KEEP ASKING MYSELF............,


Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I Started to Feel the Power

by Maureen P
(New York)

There comes a time in you life when you realize that you have had enough. I had enough with being beat and being choked. I was tired of being scared and lonely. I was tired of screaming and no one was listening. The only thing to do now was to make an exit plan. I had to prepare for what may happen when he realizes I am doing something to help myself.

I looked into schools for medical technologist. I set up for a baby sitter. I borrowed money for clothes and school supplies. Then I told my abuser that I was going to school. The only thing to do now was to make an exit plan. I had to prepare for what may happen when he realizes I am doing something to help myself. Then I told my abuser that I was going to school for medical technology. I also prayed for strength because once my abuser found found out that I wanted to better myself, he was going to get every angry. I finally told my abuser, and he was not happy, and I knew at that time I probably had made a mistake. He accused me of having a boyfriend. He destroyed the house and got rid of all my new clothes and ripped up paperwork from the school. It was like a calm came over me, and I just said I WAS going ahead with my plans, and there was nothing he could do to change my mind. I did tell him I was doing it to better our life. I could help make money to help pay the bills. He calmed down for awhile.

I again trusted him and told him what was happening at school. This was a mistake because I mentioned I need time to study for a test. He took all of my notes and ripped up the work I needed to study. I stayed calm and made it through the test. This made me take precautions for future tests, I would leave all books and papers at school. By this time I was twenty three, had two kids, an abusive husband, no money, no friends, and a family who didn't support any of my decisions.

It was hard to get ready for school. My daughter had to go to a special school, and her bus picked her up at 7:30 a.m. I then had to run my son to the babysitter’s house and then take two trains to get to school. After school I would pick up my son and then pick up my daughter. By the time we got home, it was 6:00 p.m., and I then had to start dinner and help my daughter with homework, clean up and do laundry. I found a little time to study, but it was made more difficult by all of the fights and beatings by my abuser. From the time I started school, the abuse was so terrible. He was jealous that I finally had a voice, and he couldn't change my mind.

It was so hard to get through it. I was determined to make a better life for my children and me. I had to put up with constant beatings. He came to my school just to embarrass me, and he offered no help with the kids or the house chores. It was all up to me. He said it was my punishment for choosing to go to school. To me it was worth it. I was planning my escape and nothing could make me stop. It would take two years to finish going school. I just had hope to help me through. No matter what he did to me it just made me more determine to finish. But I figured, no matter what he did to me now was not stopping me from getting out. I knew I could do it, and I stuck through it. I even started to stand up for myself. If I sensed he was going to hit me, I would hit him first and knock him on the floor. The first time I punched him we were both shocked. He never expected to be hit by me. For the last ten years he was the one doing the hitting. It empowered me. It felt good to dish out to him what he was doing to me. I am not a violent person, but he brought out the worst in me.

I was on the path to recovery and it started with my exit plan.

I Didn't Learn the First Time

by Maureen P
(New York)

I had finally broke free. I survived the last attempts to keep me in the unhealthy relationship. I lived through the brutal beatings and having everything I owned thrown out in the garbage. That didn't stop me. I had a plan and a place to go. I left with my daughter and the clothes on my back. He kept my son and all of the furniture. I would try to get custody of my son once I was settled in my new safe place. After all my son was going to live with a psychopath that was the only way I could leave with my life.

I arrived at my new place in a different state where I only knew only one person. I had only enough money to last until I got a job. I lasted three or four months. My abuser called two or three times a week. He was a changed man. He realized how much he missed me. He missed my daughter, and he kept asking me to come back and live with him. He said the two kids needed to grow up together, and he said he stopped drinking. In a weak moment I agreed to go.

So, I travelled three states by bus to meet him and my son. I was excited he made so many promises. As the bus pulled into the depot, my daughter and I got off the bus, and he greeted my daughter and said let's walk to the car. As we approached the car, he opened the car and let my daughter into the car. He turned to me and with a look that I seen before he punched me in the face got in the car and said now I have my kids you can leave. I was stunned and my nose was bleeding, and I had no idea where they went to. I stood there for a few minutes and thought what a fool I was,. Now, I'm back to square one back in the hell I tried so hard to get out of. My kids were upset and crying, and they made him come back to get me. He did come back, and I got in the car . We drove to the second hell house. All that time I was so mad and disappointed with myself for letting him talk me into going back to him. It would be another year before I could make my escape. I would have done it sooner, but my mother said I couldn't go there, and I didn't have any friends. I was on my own yet once again.

“Repeat after me - I am Free”