Love is not a game of Russian Roulette.....

Hi, I'm 30 years of age. I've been in and out of homelessness since 14-years of age. While growing up, I was not only verbally thrashed by my narc mother, my brothers to derailed me of my pride at such a young age. Molestation took place from my two brothers. As I was growing and changing to find myself, things were getting worse.

From 16 to 19 I was incarcerated at different times. While on a pause of convictions at 17-years of age, I was invited to hang out with my girlfriend and her boyfriend and their coupled friends. It was not what I had expected from my so-called friends. The driver was drinking, and I was between two males. They kept offering me a drink. I denied and wanted to go back home. We all know where this ends.

So from then on, I've had abusiveness in my life. Four years ago from my age now 30, I was with someone for seven years. Was I in love with him? (No) Did I love the thought of him being around and the things he faith me along the way? (Yes) Why wasn't I in love with him? You can't love someone while they're abusing you every day for seven years.

The relationship I'm in now is not all it was made out to be. In the beginning, we were going to dinners and lunches at random times of the day/night. There wasn't a time when we didn't have Intercourse, when not eating or other daily things. We've been together, February 14th will mark one year for us, and within the first three months our relationship was great then it went downhill from there and continued.

It started with the verbal abuse, (name calling) ex. "Stupid, pathetic, retarded, trash tramp, (not even sure what that is) scumbag, dirty cunt, ignorant bitch," and so on. He has thrown me to the floor. He has stomped on my chest putting me straight to a panic attack. He has come at me with a hammer, never connected with that YET, and has dragged from rooms by my hair and clothes.

The latest just happened about a week ago, maybe two days more, but we were coming home from our weekly trip. My paramour had gotten upset with me because our trips are for him to gamble not for vacation. So we woke up, and he wanted to go straight to gaming I wanted to eat and shower. I thought you know I could do that first. We'll nope that wasn't OK. So I said OK, well could I have the bagel, he agreed cause he was also hungry. So the problem is I have food texture problem, I've been bulimic for 13 yrs meanwhile he brings back the wrong thing, and I like anyone would get upset, I did but with me it last so he violently physically abused me while driving on the high way. Backhanding me in my face n head, ripping me by my hair shoving my face into the shifter. So at that point, I was so angry and emotionally disappointed. I slammed my head off the dashboard four times then punched and slapped myself.

I tend to black out, and I've been diagnosed with split personality disorder and emotionally disturbed. I never failed to, entire any of my chaos or dysfunctions at the beginning of our relationship.

I guess that's part of my story for now. I'll have more and plan to continue with my updates if I like the feedback and favorable results...