Killing Me Softly

by Nora
(Missouri)

It started the summer we moved in together. A little 2 bedroom apartment in the middle of town. We had been together for a few months prior. To say the least he was every parents' nightmare but every girls dream. As the infamous Taylor Swift song goes, "he's so bad but he does it so well." It drew me straight to him. I was that lucky girl that got a chance. I now say 'lucky' sarcastically. I was anything but lucky.

It went down hill so fast once we signed our 1 year lease at the apartment. After that I feel like he thought he owned me. I was never allowed out. Or to see my family or friends. He never wanted me to get a job. So I stayed home and went to school while he worked. I was alone 95% of the time. He told me that he would get off work at 4pm every day. I wouldn't see him till midnight. No one was ever there where he worked that late. I knew he wasn't working. He'd come home mid night screaming asking why I was sleeping and that I could of waited for him to get home.

Then came the cheating. Not only with girls he worked with but also with his own family. Not by blood but with someone he called his 'aunt'. That night we were watching a movie and I had fallen asleep. When I woke up the movie was already over and he had jumped immediately from the couch where he was sitting and ran outside. I asked where my phone was because he didn't have a phone and used mine also. He said he didn't know. I found it later behind the couch on the floor. Where he had hidden it. It was dead and I was expecting a call from my mom. She always called to say goodnight and to see how things were going. I charged the phone and as soon as it came on texts started to appear from his aunt. Saying many things that I've deemed inappropriate. He automatically got mad when I confronted him. He ran inside pushed me onto the ground and stormed out the front door. I felt guilty, as bad as that sounds. I felt like it was my fault he left because I asked why his aunt was 'sexting' my phone. He left me that night all alone. I cried all night.

The next day he showed back up and started apologizing for the previous night. I forgave him. We would be okay for a few days after every fight and then things would go back to normal. He continued to cheat on me with what seemed like every girl he ran into. I remained faithful the entire time in hopes that he would change.

One day I was at my parent's house because he made me leave the night before, just to find out that he had cheated. I was upset cause it seemed like he never wanted to be around me. He came to my parent's house that day demanding my phone and car. All I wanted from him was to talk. He kept saying no and screaming at me. I was crying despite the many times he told me to 'shut up.' I remember so vividly being alone in the house in the kitchen. Backing up into the fridge and him raising his hand right before he punched me in the eye. I fell to the floor crying. Blood was going everywhere and as soon as he realized what he had done he started apologizing yet again. I tried crawling off but every time he would pull me back to him forcing a hug. I forgave him yet again. That wouldn't be the last time.

We started living together again and just like every time before things got bad. One day while I was cooking, he came into the kitchen where I had been. He seemed out of sorts. Either drunk or on drugs. He was slurring his words and saying how he wanted to die. As I was going to help him into bed he grabbed the gun he had put on top of the fridge a few days prior. I stopped and headed for the door but he grabbed my shoulder pulling me onto the ground. I remember him repeating the word love. I finally made out with what he was saying. He told me that he loved me so much that he could kill me. Before I could say a word he shot me through my shoulder. In so much pain I called a friend who came and got me. That was the turning point for me. From every time he raised his hand to me or everytime he choked me till I passed out, my eyes were open to every evil thing he was.

Often people ask why I stayed. They could never understand. But in all honesty no one can understand till they are put in the same position. He was my first love. He was suppose to be my high school sweetheart. We were suppose to live happily ever after. Raise a family. Capture our dreams. As you all know now, that never happened. I didn't get my prince charming. I never got flowers on my birthday, or surprises out of no where. Those things didn't matter in this relationship. All I longed for was a place to feel safe. To feel wanted and loved. And for 4 years I never got that. I was called a whore, worthless and ugly. He told me that no one else would ever want me. Out of everything I should've had, I never got.

I walked away the day he shipped out for prison. For the longest time I didn't know how to handle being alone. Then I had to tell myself I had been alone this whole time. I didn't have someone to talk to or cry to. I didn't have someone supporting me. I was my own shoulder to cry on. My own prince charming. I saved myself. No one else did. As hard as it may seem now, to anyone that may be faced with the same problem, it's worth the struggle to walk away. To say goodbye to what always told you goodbye. You are worth so much more than that. I am worth so much more than that. I deserve things I haven't got to experience. I wasn't a victim. I was a survivor.

Today, my life is good. I became a customer service manager at Wal-Mart for almost 2 years. I left to pursue my dreams and a better career. I currently am an MUA and I'm studying a degree in Criminal Justice to become a prosecutor. I get contact with my friends and we go out. I've grown closer with my family and God. I enjoy more of life now than I had ever thought possible. I get to enjoy rides on my motorcycle. I travel more to do things I love. I take bike trails in Arkansas and hike. And I've learned to never settle for less than I deserve but at the same time I'm healing. It may take years to fully overcome what the past done to me but I believe that I'll get there eventually if I surround myself with positive people. I'll always remember the face of the person that showed me evil but I won't slow down for him any more. And I will not stay silent so that he can stay comfortable.