I thought it happened to everyone

by t
(uk)

I'm 18, been with my partner for over a year, but for almost 11 months he has been rather abusive. It started one night we had a row and I pushed him off the bed messing about not intending to hurt him, but he didn't see that and he pushed me off the bed and I landed face down and at the time I was pregnant. It stopped a little after so I assumed it was a one off, but it was about to get worse.

He is 4 years my senior and a lot stronger than me. He has in the past strangled me to where I have difficulties breathing. He has slapped me in the face and on my body. He has punched me on my legs to the extent I have bruises the size of a tennis ball. He has also bit me on my cheek, arms and legs that have also left bruising. He also likes poking me until I have lasting damage like a bruise or a mark. The pain doesn't effect me as much as the control he has to have during arguments, he will take my phone and will not allow me to ring my mum and will leave me crying on the floor.

I will admit I'm no angel. I have on very rare occasions slapped him and punched him if I felt that if I don't defend myself he might even put me in hospital. It wouldn't be the first time. I am terrified of him, and it has made me feel so low that sometimes the only release is to self harm. I feel that its my fault because it happens to everyone, but it doesn't. I'm 18 and I feel like a prisoner because I love him to pieces, but I am so scared of him. Every time he moves I flinch.

I am writing this because I know that there are some people who have it worse than me, much worse and I know that people can escape, and I'm hoping that I will be strong enough to escape too.