I blacked out memories, cause it was my fault

by Kris
(Jacksonville Fl.)

Here is one of many moments that I blocked out of my mind for a long time.

My first memory of dealing with someone who was binging on cocaine. I didn't know it till years later that the person I loved was indeed addicted to cocaine our whole relationship. I knew he smoked weed, but I had never been around drugs. I had never seen anyone on drugs. I didn't know what the signs or symptoms of drugs were back then. I was very trusting and naive.

I met him when I was 16 in high school. I fell head over heels in love with this boy. You know the saying "hindsight is 20/20" or "if I knew then what I know now" ......? Well in my case, I knew. People told me from day one it was a bad idea to see this kid. He was not a good person.  But, they didn't know him like I did. They were all Jealous cause he Loved me and not them.

Unlike me, They were not blinded by love. I was in my own little world.  I ignored the warnings from others. "They didn't know Him, he would never hurt me cause he loved me."

We were in our senior year, and he had moved out of his mom's house and was living with his friends. I would be over there all the time.  I was very strong willed. I was the big tuff girl who didn't take nothing from nobody, and I was loud about it so everyone knew it, probably to the point of annoyance.  I will admit I was very immature. One day we were hanging out at his house, and I was being my normal self, but I had obviously done something to annoy my boyfriend. He was extremely agitated. He was gritting his teeth and had a very short Temper. I was trying to cheer him up, but everything I was doing just agitated him more. So, we started arguing. I can't remember what was said that day, but I knew It was my fault. I should have backed off when I saw that I was Annoying him, but I just had to keep pushing.

I remember we were in the walk-in closet in his room with the music blaring in the backround so his roommates wouldn't hear us arguing, and the next thing I know I have a shot gun pointing in my face. I don't remember fearing for my life, I thought he has to be playing cause he would never hurt me,  he loves me and I love him. Then, I looked in his eyes, and I could see the pain that I had caused him. This is all my Fault. I am soooo Stupid. When we made eye contact, he aimed the gun to the floor and pulled the trigger. BANG!!!! AN EXPLOSION! My ears started ringing. I looked back at him, and he was bleeding. My poor baby is bleeding oh my God, NO!  Blood gushed from a big gash in his chin. He was bleeding everywhere. 
When he pulled the trigger towards the floor, under the pile of dirty clothes was a Fogger can that had not been used. It exploded and ricocheted off the walls into his chin.

I was thinking Oh my God what have I done? this is all my fault. He could have died because I'm so stupid. My poor baby.  I helped stopped the bleeding and ran to the store to get bandages for my baby. Cause' I love him, and he loves me, and I know I pushed him too far. I know he would have never pulled the trigger if he knew it was loaded........

In hindsight, I should have left and never went back.

We stayed together for another 10 years after that incident. There were more incidences after that, but it was always my fault. And, if I ever had doubts, he was sure to let me know it was indeed my fault. If I had not done what I did, he would not have reacted the way that he did, and none of this would have ever happened.