I am really scared.

by Isabel
(Florida)

I have been married for 10 years, this is my 2nd marriage. I am 43 years old. I have 2 kids with my first husband, but none with my current husband. I do not have any other family except my 2 kids. No friends, like good friends, just work friends.

When I met my husband, he was getting divorce, we became good friends and I saw him as a wonderful person. He moved in with me because he had no family and my home was pretty big.

He convinced me that to have an open and honest relationship we need to talk about our past. He wanted to know everything about me, my past relationship etc. I felt uncomfortable, but he explained that he wanted a better marriage than before, so stupid me, opened up. Not that I had much to tell, I was a nerd in school, and if I had dated 7 men by the age of 34 that was to much. Anyways, I told him all. He kept record!

Like every sick and abusive relationship, we had arguments and fights, but it was always my fault. I always did something to disrespect him, to hurt him. He never did anything wrong. The fight would go on for hours, him yelling and telling me things, comparing me to others, bring my past up, you name it, he said it. I would be crying and asking for forgiveness. Not until he was satisfied that I was hurting so bad, much more that what my action or words cause him, he would not stop.

He would always tell me to be honest with him and tell him the truth, I believed it. What a mistake, if I explained what I did not like about the relationship, it became a big fight. My fault, how can I say something about him. He acted like that because of my attitude, because I am hard headed, because I am selfish. I became very scared and nervous to say or comment about anything.

This has increased through the years.

At the beginning I would argue back, but the fights would last for 2 to 3 days. He told me that I was not cooperative and in every fight it was always my fault. He said that the fights lasted so long because I did not acknowledge my mistake right away. SO I learned! Every time we had a fight I would ask for forgiveness right away and admit "I was stupid, inconsiderate, to do or say what I did, to please forgive me that it would not happen again." BUT that was to easy, he was not satisfied. I would still keep my mouth shut, he would not stop arguing. I still did not fight back, I became very scared of him.

I am very scared. He frightens me. Every time I make a mistake, he tells me I do it on purpose because I am very smart and I am just calculating. I hate him so much, but I am so scared you do not understand. He is very angry all the time and is very full of hate.

I just recently was able to get a better job. The bad side is that sometimes I have to travel for 4 days out of the state with a team, but I keep to my self. That is how I am able to write this.

Last night a girlfriend ask me go to dinner, she also told me that her guy friend was going, if I could accompany them. We are at another state, it was 5pm dinner. I called my husband and told him, but did not mentioned the guy friend. Why? I don't know, I forgot, I was scared, I don't know. But he found out because stupid me mentioned it by mistake. Why did I not say something before, why did it slip my mouth.

Oh, my god. He would not stop. He said so many things, so many hurtful things, 2 days texting. So many bad things. Kill yourself, jump from the building no one will miss you, you are a f*cking bi*ch, lier, dog, you are an old woman that is someone would ask for a blow job you would do it.... I have spent years telling you not to lie, to tell me the truth, but you don't learn, but don't worry tomorrow you will be here, and you better tell me the truth because I will be kicking your ass until Indians come out. You are going to learn to respect me. Who the f*ck you think you are? I do not care about cops or the news, but I will screw your life f*cking b*tch.

I wanted to tell him that is over, but I am just so frightened, you do not understand. Tomorrow I take the plane home. I want to just disappear.