Feels Like Being Totally Worthless

by Beatrice

Every night, before going to sleep, I stare blankly at the dark ceiling thinking about various things: How to make my mother happy? How to stop my father from emotionally and physically abusing her? And what not.

My mother often tells me about how badly she wants to die, but she doesn't because she has three kids. I know she has many mental problems like depression and what not. But my father wouldn't let her visit the doctor. Seeing her be called "a maid," "a useless person" and whatnot, kills me deep inside.

I have this friend of mine - say A, who tells me tales about her house. Her mother cannot be happier, her father cannot be more helpful, and their bond cannot be better. She has such a great relationship with her dad, and her dad has such great relationship with her mother. And all I think is 'I don't even remember when was the last time my father hugged me or talked to me nicely.'

Life at home is hell. It is even worse for my mother. The school doesn't help either. Bullying and isolating me for being the stupid one and the ugly one, its been going on for ten years from my 2nd grade. At times I just want to jump off from the railing, but I don't.

You ask why?
No, I don't care about my life, nor about the future it holds. All I care is about my mother. If I die, her life would be even worse.

Whenever I see my friend A and her family, I am just so jealous. WHY only me? WHY make me dumb, ugly, and have such a messed up family.

Teachers hate me. Boys (specifically my ex-crushes) call me worthless and ugly. My dad, haha, he doesn't even talk to me let alone call me anything, and my mother takes out her frustrations on me at times. I don't complain. I want her to take everything out on me. I want to get beaten up instead of her. I desire all of her problems.

I now have no trust when it comes to marriage. All I expect from my husband is all of this. I'm weak; he would take advantage of me. I don't care. I'm ready for everything, but I'm not prepared to see my mother cry. That is the worst thing that can happen to a child.