Feeling Sorry for Abusor

by Karmel
(Aust.)

You know I was just reading through some of your articles on the site. I came across one with my name. I can not remember writing it but it was mine. I sound so different looking at it now.

I feel I am going through the 'Cycle' where I question myself 'Did I over react'? Could I have handled him differently.

Even though I've gone through a lot (46 years) I have never said I am sorry. I have nothing to be sorry for, I watch my Ps & Qs as I do not want to step on sensitive toes.

I have read the poems Hopeless, Man, Why Letter to Dave, Lost Innocence and some of their extracts depict me.

My partner is a devoted father (children all grown)has provided food a plenty,is resourceful in trying to make ends meet and find value for money in this financial climate.

His weak points are he is domineering, possessive, jealous suspicious, and commanding when he speaks. One would think he was a colonel in the army. He speaks down at me. I have switched off a lot and not react as much, but I feel he needs the Drama. I do feel a tension several days before the outrage.

It may be that I may be going outside to throw scraps to the chickens, and he will say the box was not full. It did not warrant a trip down to the shed, that I was only wanting to strike up a conversation with our neighbour which is not true. He is implying that I want to have it on. I believe that this type of possessiveness would get better as we got older. He 68 and I 64 for god's sake, is he mad? I am not falling as hard now, but I do have my week moments. He can be insulting and say filth to me, but it is not all right for me to defend my own honour.

In all my life I have never tried to attract any attention from anyone,I never thought I would have been good enough. He says that I was lucky for him have married me. This is not so. He did me no favours. I was not desperate to marry. I was coerced by my parents.

At one time he took possession of the kitchen he wanted to do every thing, that was good to help out. I was working and he was not. But because he was helping I had to be extra good.

Then he would accuse me of I having him wearing the skirt in the house; he was doing everything. At first I used to jokingly say 'well stop wearing them your putting them out of shape', but he was not amused.

In my case I feel that our personalities did not match at all. And perhaps because I was not verbally demonstrative when was young, I did not know how to express myself. My family were abusive so I did not know how to stand up for myself or argue and no one to turn to. A doctor that I had seen once said that my intellect was higher than my husband's, that he has a simple immaturity, but I have never put him down I have tried to encourage him.

He has broken my spirit. I am just a shell. All I have is pride. He does not own my mind. That is one thing he can not enter into. At my age now I have nothing to lose. I can afford to be a bit more defiant. I saw him the other day I looked straight at him, and I was very angry at him while he was verbally abusing me and threatened me. When I answered him back saying he should watch it, and if I did not like it I could go. Why does he not let me go with his blessing? Says I have contributed nothing to the upkeep of our home; he was the one that worked. He was out of work for almost 10 years on a compensation case, and I worked to help out and I was not well. Even slashed my wrists one taken over doses but to no avail. I am still here.

When I was younger he gave me trouble when I worked, so I was never at work for years. I even attempted to begin a business; that too had to go. He was pestering and did some dreadful things. I lied to protect him and was he grateful? No, it was my fault that it happened. I feel that I am looking after a sick intellectually handicapped dangerous child.

I never go out, don't have friends, I don't want to work from home (I used to be a beauty therapist) because of the way he answers the phone when he is in one of his moods.

Up until the last 12 months, I felt some kind of depression. I cried over dying animals and dead pets that I had in the past. Felt I should have been more attentive to them. I had been put on an antidepressant. And, I noticed for the first 4 /5 months at 8pm sharp I wanted to sleep. Now I can think more clearly and feel braver. I have nothing to lose as I have said before. But it would have been nice to have come into this world and accomplished something which I found fulfilling.