Defeat

by Blank
(Phx, AZ )

My story is sort of hard to explain. Some things happened that I for one should have never accepted and excused. We were perfect until I started having dreams of my partner cheating on me and seeing random messages from girls.

I was five months pregnant when I first laid my hands on him. It was horrible to think I could do that just because he emotionally hurt me. I attacked him as if I were attacking someone who was trying to kill me, and he didn't hit me back. I did it over and over until he finally started to strike me in return. My partner had enough of it and would punch me when I disrespected him. I didn't know why I thought it was okay for me to let him do it, I would fight back and hit him too, so it was never really seemed one-sided.

After our daughter turned three months, he would beat me when he was angry at the words I was telling him, words that could make a person commit suicide. Being told you're worthless and stupid and unattractive can make any person snap. But, we couldn't stop hurting each other. It was so bad that we kept doing it more than not.

One day I decided that it would be the last day I would allow him to control me. And that day he left in handcuffs and me with a bloody nose.

Most people have it worse than me. I know they do. I always fought back, but I was so weak as to think I had to stay with him for I was ashamed of the fact my daughter would not have her father like all the other kids would. But I know deep down I was being selfish and not thinking of my daughter's future. She doesn't need to grow up thinking getting hit and fighting with a partner okay, because it isn't. It should never happen, not even once.

Me transitioning is hard from having all this help with her to having to rely on everyone else to help. As so, moving forward with my life is hard and avoiding the fact I miss the way we used to be because this life didn't seem real. I wanted so badly to wake up from this life and realize I still had my old life. But I can't imagine a life without my baby girl and her smile. I love her more than I could love myself.