Constant Abuse

by Ife Alexander
(New Jersey)

I'm 39yrs old. My abuse started when I was about five years old by my mom and dad. They would get into terrible arguments, and I would run and hide. I wanted to hurt myself. My mom, busy in her world, paid no attention to me.

My mom eventually left after having a short relationship with both of my brothers' fathers. I have two brothers from two different dads, she ultimately moved to NC. I didn't leave right away, but my brothers did, but since my dad was having major issues keeping the house. He agreed to let me move with my mom.

Before I left when I was about 7yrs old, I was over my babysitter house one of my friends had a bike. I went to ride the bike around the corner, and behind a school parking lot, these two young boys grab the bike and shook the bike where I fell along the curb into some grass, and one of them got on top of me, and started fondling me while I was crying and his friend was laughing. He kept going until his friend said I had enough. I got up and jumped on the bike and took off and rode back to my babysitter's house. She called the police. The officers went to talk with him, but because it was his 1st offense nothing happened to him. He never bothered me again. My parents never discussed the incident. I believe it was because they did drugs and my dad sold drugs, so they didn't want to take the time to talk with me. I kept all my emotions inside.

Once I moved to NC with my mom and brothers, I start to attended school, but I eventually realized my mom wanted me there to become the parent so she could party. I was only 13yrs old, so I didn't know much about being a parent so immediately started getting into arguments. If I argued with her, she would beat me with a belt.

I got a boyfriend and immediately start having sex. Once my mom found out she beat severely. Then one day when I was at the age of 16 and tired of getting beat, I grabbed the belt, grabbed her, and swung her around. I shook her and told her to stop beating me, she did. By that time I was out of control because my mom continually partied and left me home alone, almost getting raped by one of her different men. I met this one guy that kidnapped me and abused me sexually for a couple of days. He eventually brought me back.

Then at the age of 17yrs old, I ran away from home and stayed at motels where I would smoke weed. My mom continued to get into physical fights to the point where she kicked me in the stomach and scratched me. I went to a domestic violence advocate, and she agreed to help me on the condition that I would leave my mom alone. But by that time I had my son and barely worked, so I needed her help, and my son's father wasn't in his life.

My mother and I were also emotionally and physically abusive to each other. I was 26 years old by that time and had been in many emotional relationships. Then I met my ex. We only got along for a short period until he starts being emotionally and physically abusive which was due to him being in prison for 6yrs. He had a very controlling behavior.

One day he was attacking me, I ran into the bathroom, and once he got in he threw soda all over me, so at that time I start my plan on getting away. So once I took him to work, I came and packed as much stuff in the car, including my son, and left. I wasn't worried about him coming after me, but I knew if I stayed I would continue to want to be with him. I had a family, but they barely helped. I would take my frustration out on my son and his father.

So at the age of 26 years, I decided to move back to NC, thinking that my ex wouldn't be there. He wasn't around, but I found out he was locked up and still had three years to go. I did get back in touch with him, but I didn't immediately commit to being with him. I was still in contact with my ex, the abuser, and after three years of being without him, I decided to give up school and transfer my job to be with him. I thought he changed, and I loved him so much, but it didn't take him long to start abusing me, while my son around. I was dealing with it for a year, while I was smoking weed and snorting cocaine due to overwhelming stress. One day he beat me so bad, he punches me in the face and kick me stomach many times and later forced me to have sex. I know I did argue with him, but he was much stronger than me, and instead of him walking away he chose to beat me. That time it was because he thought I was cheating on him. My abuser did go to jail, but since I did love him, I agreed to take him back.

My son witnessed all this abuse and became scared and depressed, but I wasn't paying attention to him. Once my ex-partner came home, I thought if I did what he told me he wouldn't hurt me. But I did argue with him which pushed him to be physical with me but not violent because he knew if he got locked back up he would stay in there for a longer time.

Until the time he got upset because we started arguing over changing the fire alarm, and I woke him up. The argument was taken outside mainly because he claimed he thought I was leaving to go somewhere but went to smoke a cigarette. Out the blue he hit me in the back of the head where I fell to the ground and stood over me yelling and kicking me, I was able to get up and run into the street. By that time my next door neighbors came out. They already knew about the previous abuse, they start yelling at him, and the other girl was comforting me, and the police drove up and said that reporters called because of a fight. I immediately yelled out he was beating me. My ex-took off in the car, the police pull him over while he was still in the apartment complex, then they came back and questioned me. Since I agreed to press charges and he had violated his parole, law enforcement immediately arrested him.

I didn't want him to get arrested, even when he beat me very severely that other time, where he threatened me with a knife. I didn't want him in jail. I was so brainwashed I didn't know what to do, but I finally realized it was time to stand up. And I ultimately thought about my son. I was going to walk away and get my life together on my own until his sister came to my house.

Previously his sister did threaten me if her brother got locked up. She said she would return, but I didn't believe her because we never had any issues. She starts banging on the door, but she didn't say anything, I went upstairs in my bedroom and looked out the window and saw it was her and told her to leave. I saw her walk to the back, and I came downstairs to find out what she was doing. She immediately threw this rock thing through my glass sliding window and stuck her hand. She threw it while I was running upstairs. She made her way in my house. I ran upstairs yelling at my son to lock his door. I mainly ran because she has this 6'9" bulky boyfriend, and I didn't know what he would do to me if we started fighting. I ran into my room and locked my room. She starts kicking and pounding on my son's door, then she came to my door and began kicking and punching my door, so I ran into the bathroom and locked that door. I call the police, and I guess she heard me, so she ran back downstairs while I stayed on the phone with 911 until they told me the police was there. I came downstairs crying my eyes out while my son was too, the cops calmed me down so I could start talking with them. I finally noticed she broke glass up and down the stairs, kicked, and punched the door. She stole my car keys, tore my house up, stole my tv and flattened my two tires.

My son was taken to my next door neighbors while I continued to talk with the police, then they called the people that check for fingerprints, and one of the policemen left to speak with her. She was staying at her mom house, and of course, she denied everything and since I didn't have enough evidence and my son was so exhausted he couldn't say if it were her they couldn't arrest her. I had to leave to go to a domestic violence shelter, and I was only able to grab a few things. In a couple of days, I needed to return to my apartment. The sister flattened my tires and stole my keys, and I couldn't drive. I had to take a bus. Without money or work, we stayed in a shelter for a month. I was embarrassed and did not call my family. I eventually told the landlord so they could fix the whole in glass sliding door window but since maintenance was slow they never got to it, and my apartment starts getting very dirty, and I had to realize I would never come back and I became homeless. I could not get everything from my place. As a result, I lost a lot of my sons and my personal information and many other things. I got kicked out of the shelter. Now, I live with my aunt in NJ, but my son resides with my dad in VA. I will be moving there very soon.