Conservative family and child abuse

by Sara ali
(Pakistan)

My father being a wealthy man, I get to experience the western lifestyle. I have faint memories of my parents fighting, physically and verbally abusing each other of when I was only 6 or 7.

From a very young age, I was exposed to the realities of life. My father was struggling to earn money back then and my brothers did not get the ideal education; that resulting in them becomming pretty narrow-minded. We were not perfect but I liked being different. I had to wash my own uniform, iron my own clothes and make myself food from a very young age. I had to feed myself. My mother was always careless and mentally ill. At a very young age I witnessed her being taken away to an asylum for treatment. I did not get to see her for six months. When she came back, the very first thing she said to me was "You are sara(I have changed my name for privacy concerns) right? Your father has told me a lot about you."

I dont really know what happened because I was really young. My mother got married at a very young age and was a victom of verbal and physical abuse as well but she never complained and just considered it to be normal.

I always got all the attention within my peers and family. I used to lie to my friends about my family. I used to make up stories of how we went out to eat chinese or how my father bought me new clothes, or how my father told me I was his favorite. I had never gone out with my family except for when we went outside for dinner with our guests. That happened only once a blue moon.

My father suffered from depression and was a victom of severe child labour. He had to financially support his family(5 sisters and parents) at the age of 14. My father and I have never really had a decent conversation. He always yelled at me or told me how worthless I was. Everytime he talked to me, he told me I was good for nothing and I just wanted everything served to me. He hated me, my three older brothers and my mom.
My brothers are way older than me. They have finished their uni's whereas I am just a freshman.

I was a lonely child. I got attention but I never got to feel the love every child deserved instead I was always given the look of dissapointment. My parents and I barely knew eachother, occasionally talking about my pocket money or my tests. Even if I brought home a certificate, they would not show any interest. I never got to see approval on their faces.

One night I was lying next to my brother(I was 9) and he started touching me. I did not know It was wrong. I just found it nice. It is so disgusting and shameful to think about it now. I never admit it to myself and just pretend it was a nightmare but it happened. I dont remember if it was only him touching me or something else but I do know that my mother always rubbed my back to help me fall asleep and I thought my brother was trying to do the same.

But he was not. I hate him. He was not a child. It is because of him I feel so disgusting. I dont feel pure.

In grade 4 my friend told me, you could get pregnant if you get intimate with a guy. I thought I would get pregnant and I spent two years crying myself to sleep every night thinking I would get pregnant and dishonor my family.

In grade 7th my friends told me about periods and sex.

I have been sexually assaulted many times. One day I was walking home from my schoolbus stop and I saw an old man walking back and forth. He followed me. He took my first kiss and left.

I never told anyone because I felt ashamed of being a victom. I lost my self confidence. I came home and tried to forget it. It was a big shock to me for I was never exposed to such things. That was an eye-opener. After that I was extremely coscious of the people around me.

I started growing up and my body began to develop. My brothers started beating me up. Accusing me of having intimate relationships with my classmates or talking to guys on my phone. They started pointing at my western clothing even though my parents never had a problem with it. They started making up stories, coming to my room every next hour to check up on me. They checked my phone and computer. Constantly told my dad to take away my phone because I was misusing it and because they never got a cell at such a young age. They called me a whore and a slut everyday. Even my parents did.

They kicked my face, threatened to tear off my clothes. Told me I was a girl and women can't do anything. They told me they were way more dominant.

Threatening to kill me everyday. I had so many bruises. I couldnt brush my hair because it hurt from how they pulled me with my hair, dragging me. I was slapped everyday by either my mother, father or my three brothers.

They told me they would marry me off at such a young age, drop me out of school or how they would not let me study further. This was all absolutely embarassing for me. Having to be a strong feminist and being a victom of abuse at the same time. Their illeteracy amazed me. I was far more ahead and way open-minded. I have never had a boyfriend or any experience but everyday they would ask me who my boyfriend was and why I was such a whore.
They would tell me it is forbidden in Islam to listen to music or sing. It is forbidden to draw. It is forbidden to not cover your face. It is forbidden to even look at the opposite-gender.

They smoked and watched x-rated videos theirselves and never were very religious but they always tried to get me to live according to Islam. I had never believed in Islam since I was a child. I never believed in their rules. I was forced to try to fit in with my friends, but getting abused at home at the same time. I was never allowed to close the door. If I had to change, I would have to open the door in 3 minutes. If I was using the internet, I had to show it to everyone. They would burst into my room to check up on me every 15 minutes.

They would not let me call my friends.

I started drinking and smoking when I was thirteen thinking that would take my mind off of everything and help me fit in but I stopped after I realized how much of a brat I was being.

My mother abused me, hit me whenever she got angry and I got told everyday I would end up like her. They told me I would have to get married and I should learn how to do household things. They were just so illiterate.

My father divorced my mom 2 years ago. Now he barely comes home. He comes to our place after weeks only for 5 minutes and in those five minutes he just abuses me. He goes back to his wife after that and he is really nice to her. He never showed me any kindness but my stepmother gets treated like a queen.

I have drank poison many times. I used to cut my hands but now I have stopped. I have scars from years ago on my wrist reminding me of what I really am.
I cant leave my room or do anything. I am an educated feminest stuck with illiterate mentally ill people.

I have tried to end my life so many times. I get a lot of hate in school too for being popular. I try to hide in isolation but people still talk about me. I feel constantly judged outside of my home because inside my home I get all my bad features pointed out to me.

My family tells me I am ugly and good for nothing everyday. They come to me and beat me out of nowhere. They force me to talk. If I dont talk they hit me or kick me. They are trying to control everything and since my dad has left I get beaten at 4am im the middle of the night for no reason at all.

My teachers have always encouraged me and taken an interest in me. They tell me I am a really good student and have a lot of potential. They always try to figure me out asking me if there is something wrong with me. I dont study for my tests because the night before I get beaten up at least 7 times for not surrendering. I often miss out on tests and school because of my bruises.

I want to run away but where to? I want to be saved but by who?

Seeing how much of a victim I am, my servant tried to sexually harass me as well. I hide in my room.

My brothers break down the door if I close them for more than 5 minutes. My brothers touch me with force even though I tell them to maintain a distance from me. It is all because of me being a woman. I have decided I would change my gender after I turn 18 and run away and financialy support myself. I am pretty serious about it but I dont want to act helpless. I want to get out of this situation either physically or mentally. In my country nobody really sheds much light on this stuff or I would have told someone.

They have completely scarred me. It doesnt even hurt anymore. Getting kicked in the head and stomache multiple times with brutal force is normal now. Getting threatened and told how worthless I am now is normal. Them telling me I cant do anything because I am a woman is okay now. But even though they beat me up and yell at me to accept I am inferior, I am not. I may not have that much strength but at least I have the mind to know what is happening to me is wrong and inhuman. Humanity has long given up on its barbaric ways and soon I will escape this torcher.