Been Living in Abuse All My Life

by Jacqueline
(Netherlands)

Since I was a child, I witnessed abuse, men hurting my mom, mom hurting men and later women... a childhood far from safe..

Later on in life I took all the crap partners gave me, physical and emotional abuse. I always thought domestic violence would one day set me free just like my dad killed his wife, my stepmom, someone would kill me.

Unable to have children and only miscarriages and stillborn... I just sat and took it all... until one day I was almost killed, and I stepped out of my comfort zone of pain. After that physically abusive partner, I found a mentally abusive partner. He gave me a son after all my shattered dreams. I took his crap, his tears and whining and stayed with him out of gratitude for our son and pity. Until I realized I am a mom now. I am setting an example for my son, and, if i let him witness all this, he probably won't know better. Just like i once did.

I chose for my son and left, again. I was totally confused and did not know my own limits because my partners gave me theirs. In one year I drank and used drugs, but it did not set me free? I did not heal. It attracted the wrong things. So again, I restarted our life.

And, the day I was happy and clean was the day I looked beside me and never friend-zoned before I started a relation with one of my close friends who took time to court me, to make me feel appreciated, who wanted me for me not what he wanted to create. Wow... In 2 months I will be 40 ,and for the first time in life I am Happy and satisfied.

Even when you think you won't make it alone, if pain is your comfort zone, know that you are the only one who can change this....