Am i okay? I Am Okay.

by Samantha
(Michigan,US)

I was 13 when I met my 17 year old ex Brian. I had always been left out and bullied throughout elementary, and I went through puberty in my 6th grade year. After I started spending more time with Brian, my best friend turned on me and that's when I started smoking weed.

It was my 8th grade year. My friend had helped build my popularity, and she had no quams about tearing me right back down. She turned all of my friends against me and spread rumors about me to no end. This pushed me closer to Brian. He was so sweet and kind. I loved him. He became my best friend and the only person I felt I could trust.

I lost my virginity at 13, after not even a full month of us dating. I loved him for months before, so I didn't care if anyone knew or thought I was a slut. As I got on top of him, He yelled I wasn't doing it right, was I stupid?, He ordered me around about a whole mintue before I hopped off of him and pulled my pants back on. I turned over and said I was finished. He replied with "I'm not " I felt horrified. I ignored him and went to sleep. The next day was horribly awkward, and he barely spoke to me. I felt disguisting.

Around our 4th month together he moved in. He convinced my mother and I that he had been kicked out and abandoned for no reason, so he stayed with us in my grandmothers home. We had sex. Sometimes I wanted to, but as he got more dependent I withdrew. We had our first pregnacy scare, and he treated me like a slut who cheated on him and got pregnant. My best friend saw how he reacted and urged me to tell my mom. She ended our friendship two days later when I said I couldn't.

On our 6th month anniversery, I had asked who a girl was that had called for him. He told me to ask her. I did. She replied with the same response. I got angry and said I didn't want some ratchet calling my phone for my boyfriend if she couldnt even say who she was. The argument ended up with me getting choked. He had pushed me and grabbed my neck and pushed me into the wall. When his anger went away, he wanted to have sex. He got angry when I didnt want to or couldnt get "warmed " in time and it hurt. He slowly started not to care if I wanted to or not. Before he would stop and slowly he would just stop looking down, he would turn my head to the side or put a pillow over me until he was finished. He said he didnt want to fuck a dead body, well, not look at one at least.

One night, we had got into another argument. This time Brian pushed me so hard I fell back. When I got up and shoved him, he smacked me in my face and started to choke me. As our relationship hit it's one year mark, I was living with him so I could go to school. He forced me to kiss him in front of everyone whereever we went and got into multiple arguements with other guys who he felt disrespected him. He would take my phone and get mad if I talked to other friends or people we knew. He told me I couldnt wear make up because I looked like a whore and a slut no matter how little was even on. Sex was the worst part. He didn't care if I cried, said no, begged. He started throwing my clothes and breaking things to convince me they were my objects to get a rise and would often threaten to leave me or kick me out with nowhere to go. But, he refused to let me pack my things and call my mom. I was called every name I have ever been called before; whore, slut, rat, trash, cunt, bitch. He constantly belittled me saying I'd be nothing without him and could move back to Fraser where I was bullied. He started pinching my body in tender places and would use his two fingers to jab me in the ribs if I did something or said something he didnt like while we were in public.

Around the year and a half mark is when Brian punched me for the first time. He punched me on my left side right under my eye by my cheek bone and said it was an accident. We moved into a flat in Warren with my mother and brother. He was so mean and bossy and rude to my brother that he went to stay with my grandma and hated to visit. My mom hated Brian and wanted him gone, but we both needed to stay in the house, and he was the only way we could afford it. By this point, Brian would hit me, push me, call me names, and I still couldn't leave him. I would run home everyday to bring applications home, and he left after an argument with my mom. But after days of begging, I got him to agree to come back and her to let him stay. I was terrified to lose the house. I didnt want to go back to Fraser. I didn't want to live with my naggy grandma.

Brian punched me in my eye one day because I didnt think it was a problem that my little brother ate ice cream after not eatting for 4 hours. Brian was a big boy and whenever my brother ate or played with anything, he had a problem. Brian heard me fall down the wet stairs chasing my brother, and Brian said he didnt care and thats why he didnt ask if I was okay. Brian pushed my mom into a wall one night in the middle of winter, and she finally kicked him out. Brian had been talking to other girls on Facebook, when he went to his mom's the first time. The second time was the very last time. I begged him to come back because I loved my school and didn't want to move in with my grandma. He broke up with me 15 days after our two year anniversery, claiming he over heard a conversation, and I was cheating on him. I begged Brian to listen that I hadn't cheated.(He had my necklace I had gotten for my birthday). I did beg for two days for him to talk to me and work it out (hoping he'd agree so I could get my necklace back). I finally came clean with my mom about everything, and she told him we'd go to the police. His mom admitted that she had to leave because the abuse was too much so Brian got scared and dropped my necklace off at the plasma place that he and my mom went to. I felt so free. I was so happy to not wake up worried or scared, not to be called names or be hit or pushed or kicked.

I hated Brian for a while. I hated myself. Why didn't I just leave? Why didnt I tell someone? I was mentally frozen in my own mind. I believed what he said about me being nothing. I believed it all. The lies. Everything. I let Brian take a lot of me. I'll never do it again. I will not be his victim. I have shared my story only one other time. I was told recently by someone that they confronted Brian, and Brian denied the abuse. Brian showed the begging texts I sent him. I don't care if anyone ever believes me. The worst part of knowing what happened is no one knowing and them lying about it. I'm not ashamed. I did what I had too. I graduated high school December 19th 2014 at 16 Years old. I'm a month away from my 17th birthday. I am almost done with my first semester of college and I work everyday to prove to myself that I am more than what Brian tried to make me.

Am I okay? I am okay.