Abuse for years. PLEASE read my post and give me any suggestions. I am desperate!

by L
(Pa)

Hi,

I am trying to find a site to talk about my story to see if I can get support from other women that have gone through similar situations. Its so hard to talk to anyone around me about these domestic problems because they're either sick of hearing it, or I just can't tell them.

I have an 8 yr old son from a past relationship and about 6 1/2 yrs ago I met Jay. I am a white female, and he is black. I had never been with a black man before him but when we first met we were best friends, got along great and had so much in common. Now looking back I realize their were red flags. I should of broke up with him back then but did not.

After being together about 4 years, we ended up having a son together. He is now 2. So I have an 8 yr old from a past relationship (me and him are white), and I have a 2 yr old son from Jay, who my son is half and half. Before my son was even thought of, me and jay have gotten in several physical and verbal arguments with the police being called numerous times. Everything from Jay and I getting into a physical altercations and my arm getting broken to him punching in my windshield on my car, to threating me he was going to call CYS on me if I didn't pick him up from somewere. (Keep in mind I am NOT on drugs nor do I drink alcohol and am I very good mother to both my boys).

He would threaten me with the most ridiculous things if I did not do what he wanted me to do. He has broken things in my house, and I could go on and on. Now after being together two or so years, the race fact came into play. NOT by other people but by him! He is so into history and watching these weird Youtube videos that make him believe white people came from dogs and how white people are so dirty etc etc... Now ok history is history, but for him to be saying these mean things directed towards me is a different story. He calls me a "cracker" all the time because I am white and always says he hates white people. This has been going on right before our two year old son was born till currently.

I have called women's shelters and other numbers trying to find a way out of this situation, but I can't. He has told me several times when we argue that I am going to have to watch my back every where I go! And like most stories, every bad side has a good side. I swear he is bi-polar because sometimes he will be the nicest person in the world to me and our son and my 8 yr old son. Other times he is a monster.

I work full time and am the "bread winner" in the house. He cant even hold a job at McDonald's for more than 3 months at a time, and most of the time he's not even employed. He has always smoked marijuana (which I know is not good but he only did it at his friends house not around us for years and never brought it home), but for the past year he's been smoking it in the house and not selling it!

I am so scared for the safety of my children and myself. I don't make a lot of money and I was thinking about just moving away from him, but I know he'll find me. His name is NOT on our sons birth certificate but our son does have his last name, which I am trying to get that changed currently. I wanted to take him to court numerous times but have gotten scared because I know in the state of Pennsylvania they give each parent custody rights. Which scared the daylights out of me because he is such an unfit father. I have almost sacrificed being in hell every day with this looser bum verbally mentally and physically abusive asshole just so I don't have to give up our 2 yr old son to him on weekends through going to court!

I am begging anyone to please give me any advice. I would appreciate it so much! Thank you so much for your time reading my post!

One more thing I wanted to add is that my 8 yr old son from a past relationship and mine and my abusive boyfriends 2 year old son fight all the time... I know in my heart something has to change asap because I know my kids are acting out because of the fights they hear all the time. Not to mention my 8 yr old son knows what weed is because of this asshole smoking it! PLEASE HELP ME WITH ANY ADVICE I AM SO DESPERATE AT THIS POINT!